Sexual Tension in Dating
By: Marion and Charis Logan
Charis: Marion and I dated for 3 years before we got married (with 2 breakups along the way…but that story is for another time ). Some of my favorite memories of our life as boyfriend and girlfriend were dates that we went on—the fun ones, the spontaneous ones, the ones that he surprised me with, and of course the very romantic ones.
Out of all those different types of dates, the hardest ones were those very romantic nights. I know that probably sounds kind of odd because you’d think that the romance would evoke feelings of love, bliss, and butterflies. But to be completely honest with you, a good majority of those romantic date nights would end in frustration and disappointment OR I would wake up the next day feeling really crappy, guilty, and upset with Marion.
There’s just something about a romantic date night that makes you want to push the physical (sexual) boundaries. And I get it…especially now being married, I totally get it! But when you’re dating and trying to honor God with your relationship, trying to stay pure, it gets really tough.
It never got easier saying “NO” to pushing the boundaries. It never got easier to end the date with a simple kiss and nothing more. But it also never got easier when we did push the limits and I would feel disappointed in us for not stopping sooner than we did (truly by the grace of God, we never went all the way).
Marion: Romantic dates were often bittersweet. I would work hard to plan the perfect night—it had to be the right restaurant or venue with a dreamy ambiance. My goal was a memorable experience.
I remember one specific night I took Charis out to Roy’s in Hawaii Kai. We were all dressed up (she looked stunning) and took pictures at the beach during sunset—the ones where you glow. I could feel the sexual tension rising in the restaurant as we conversed and gazed in each other’s eyes. We left Roy’s and went to Diamondhead lookout and held each other as we stargazed the moonlit sky. We then left to go back to my place where I was expecting a frantic night of making out—only to be given a peck on the lips and a good night one-minute hug. This anti-climactic evening ended with her quickly getting in her car and driving away.
What the heck?! Why was she so closed off after such a great night? All this build up and then—nothing! Did I screw up?
I know now that she was really cautious on these romantic dates because there were all these conflicting emotions. She wanted the night to be memorable without the pressure of feeling like it had to end with pushing the sexual boundaries. She left the night feeling truly special. It was hard at the time, but I realize now that she left without the taint of guilt or regret.
Charis: To all of our dating couples out there, I want to share this. I know that it’s hard to say “No” in the moment. I also know that it feels very unnatural to stop (you are created to be sexual beings after all!). But I can also attest to the fact that in the right context of marriage, sexual intimacy is the most pure, pleasurable, and satisfying experience…and there’s NO guilt!
So yeah…I know that it sucks to say “No” to pushing the physical boundaries, but know that what you’re saying “YES” to is so much greater, long-lasting, and satisfying than that momentary pleasure! That’s what your sexual drive was intended for.
“Promise me…not to awaken love before the time is right.” Song of Solomon 8:4