What not to say when someone expresses feelings of loneliness

Hey there friend!

Loneliness is never an excuse to willfully sin against God, or our own body.

We are not writing these emails to make a case in defense of someone who has made hurtful decisions because they felt lonely. Instead, these emails are meant to bring awareness and help us to be ready in season and out of season to testify of the hope that the lonely, rejected and abandoned can find in Jesus and the family of God.

Consider this...

After Jesus’ interaction with the Samaritan woman, she ran back into the community she tried to avoid by drawing water in the middle of the day. She went bearing GOOD NEWS and guess what? People listened to her and responded.

After delivering the man with a legion of demons, who was isolated to the tombs of the Gerasenes, Jesus sends him back into his community as a testimony. He is SENT, not only to a village but a Decapolis – that is ten cities. People were amazed!

Loneliness, isolation, rejection, abandonment are opportunities for divine encounter waiting to happen when that person encounters El Roi, the God who sees them. 

Here are some responses we should avoid when someone confides in us that they feel lonely, unseen or undervalued. Remember that someone, especially a teen, can appear popular, well-loved and surrounded by friends and family but have deeply rooted feelings of loneliness. 

1. “But you’re surrounded by people!”

Why it hurts:

It dismisses emotional reality. Someone can be around many people and still feel unseen.

Hidden message received:

“Your feelings don’t make sense.”

What to say instead:

• “Loneliness can happen even when people are around.”

• “What’s been making you feel disconnected lately?”

• “Tell me more about when you feel most alone.”

2. “You just need to put yourself out there more.”

Why it hurts:

It implies loneliness is their fault.

Hidden message:

“If you’re lonely, you’re not trying hard enough.”

What to say instead:

• “It can be really hard to reach out when you already feel alone.”

• “What makes it hardest to connect right now?”

• “How can I help you feel less alone?”

3. “Everyone feels lonely sometimes.”

Why it hurts:

It minimizes their current experience.

Hidden message:

“This isn’t a big deal.”

What to say instead:

• “I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way.”

• “How long have you been feeling lonely?”

• “What’s been weighing on you most?”

4. “You’ll be fine.”

Why it hurts:

It rushes past their pain.

Hidden message:

“Let’s move on.”

What to say instead:

• “I’m really glad you told me.”

• “That sounds painful.”

• “You don’t have to carry this alone right now.”

5. “Just pray more.”

Why it hurts:

It can imply their faith is insufficient.

Hidden message:

“This is your spiritual fault.”

What to say instead:

• “I believe God sees this loneliness too.”

• “Do you want me to pray with you about this?”

• “How has your relationship with God felt lately?”

6. “You’re overthinking it.”

Why it hurts:

It dismisses emotional experience.

Hidden message:

“Your feelings are exaggerated.”

What to say instead:

• “It sounds like this has been really heavy for you.”

• “What thoughts keep coming up when you feel alone?”

• “What situations make this feeling worse?”

7. “You don’t need anyone.”

Why it hurts:

It denies human need for connection.

Hidden message:

“Needing people is weakness.”

What to say instead:

• “We all need connection.”

• “What kind of connection do you wish you had more of?”

• “When do you feel most connected to people?”

A Simple Rule to Remember

When someone shares loneliness, they usually need: Presence before solutions.

Often the best response is simply:

• “That sounds really hard.”

• “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

• “I’m here.”

If you have been following along with this series, we are curious: did you get to share a meal with someone yet? If not - No pressure! Let's try again this week.

According to data referenced in the 2025 World Happiness Report, in 2023 about 1 in 4 Americans ate all their meals alone the previous day, which is a 53 percent increase compared with 2003. Young adults (18–34) drove much of this change, with a nearly 180 percent increase in solo dining over the past two decades.

As members of His body, may we all find ways to pull one another closer.

Sincerely,

Explicit Movement