When Relief Becomes the Escape.

Aloha Friends,

Last week, we began with a simple but important question: What are we trying not to feel?

We looked at King David and saw something that I believe is becoming increasingly important for us to teach our young people. David was not afraid of his emotions. When his soul was troubled, he didn't pretend everything was fine or try to distract himself from what he was experiencing. He acknowledged it, brought it before God and reminded himself of what was true.

But what happens when we don't know how to do that?

What happens when the emotions are uncomfortable, the pain feels overwhelming, or we simply don't know what to do with what is happening inside of us?

We often look for relief.

We have all experienced this. When we are stressed, we may reach for our phones. When we are lonely, we may look for someone to talk to. When we are bored, we find something to entertain us. When we are overwhelmed, we may bury ourselves in work. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things. The question is what role they are playing in our lives.

Are we simply enjoying something, or are we using it to escape something else?

Psychologists sometimes use the term experiential avoidance to describe our attempts to escape, suppress or avoid uncomfortable thoughts and emotions rather than learning how to experience and process them in healthy ways. In other words, when something inside of us hurts, we instinctively look for a way to make the feeling go away. And when something gives us relief, our brains can learn to reach for it again.

Think about a young person who has had a difficult day at school. Maybe they feel rejected, embarrassed or lonely. They come home and disappear into a video game for several hours. For a while, they don't have to think about what happened. They feel better.

Another young person may feel lonely and discover that someone online is willing to give them attention. Perhaps that attention eventually becomes sexual. For a moment, they feel wanted and important.

Another may discover pornography and begin turning to it whenever they feel stressed, bored, lonely or ashamed. The pornography doesn't resolve what is happening inside of them, but for a few minutes, they don't have to think about it.

That temporary relief can become a powerful false teacher.

The pattern can begin to look something like this:

I feel something uncomfortable, I reach for something that makes me feel better, and my brain learns that this is what I should do the next time I feel that way.

Over time, we can become so accustomed to escaping uncomfortable emotions that we don't even recognize what is happening. We simply know that when we feel bad, we want to reach for something that will make us feel better.

This isn't just a problem for young people. It is worth asking ourselves the same questions.

How do I respond when I am disappointed, rejected, anxious, lonely or overwhelmed? Do I sit with God and allow myself to acknowledge what I am feeling, or do I immediately reach for something that will distract me?

Our children are learning from us, often far more than we realize. If we want them to learn healthy ways of processing their emotions, we need to be willing to practice those things ourselves.

Jesus gives us the ultimate example. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He knew what was ahead of Him and experienced profound anguish. He didn't pretend that the pain wasn't real. He brought His sorrow to His Father and prayed, “Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.”

Jesus shows us that experiencing difficult emotions is not a sign that something is wrong with us or that our faith is weak. The question is what we do with those emotions.

God does not ask us to pretend that pain doesn't hurt. He invites us to bring our pain to Him.

A Family Practice: Pause Before You Reach

This week, when someone in your family notices the urge to immediately reach for a phone, game, food, entertainment or another familiar escape, take a moment to pause together. Ask, “What am I feeling right now, and what am I hoping this will make me feel?” Then ask, “What do I actually need?”

Don't rush to fix the answer. Sometimes we need rest. Sometimes we need connection, prayer, forgiveness or a difficult conversation. Sometimes we simply need to acknowledge that something hurts and invite God into it.

The goal isn't to shame ourselves for wanting relief. It is to become aware of what is happening inside of us so that we can begin choosing a healthier response. Because when we see a young person reaching for an escape, perhaps we can learn to look beyond the behavior and ask, “I wonder what they are feeling right now?”

We cannot protect our children from every painful emotion they will experience. But we can teach them that they don't have to run from those emotions, and they don't have to face them alone.

We want to teach our young people not simply how to stop numbing, but how to walk through life fully awake, fully alive and fully connected to God.

Next week, we'll take a closer look at what numbing actually looks like in our everyday lives and how behaviors that may seem harmless can become unhealthy when they become our primary way of escaping what we feel.

May His Kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven.

With love,

Your Explicit Movement ʻOhana