When a Child Comes Out as LGBTQ+

Here are a few things you can do:

1. Respond with compassion by understanding that it took courage for your child to share this information. 

• It is helpful to validate their feelings and reassure them that you are willing to listen and understand how they came to this conclusion.   

Example: “I appreciate that you have shared these feelings with me; I do want to understand how you came to feel this way."

2. Provide a safe environment where an open discussion can take place. 

• Start now. Build relationships with your children that would grant them the freedom and confidence to share, with the understanding that regardless of what it is, you will love them and help them through it.  

• If it’s appropriate, ask about what they are feeling and what their perspective is about the feelings they have. This will give you more insight into how/when , there is a question of “Why is this happening to me?” or “Whatsame-sex feelings developed and where they are in dealing with the issue in the present time. 

 Example: If you feel comfortable sharing, when did these feelings begin? What did those feelings mean to you then and what do they mean to you now? 

• Often there is a question of “Why is this happening to me?” or “What causes these feelings?” Allow your child to have their own sense of meaning and purpose by reflecting on how they think their same-sex attraction came about.  

  Example questions: How do you think you came by these feelings or what may have caused these feelings? What do they mean to you? 

3. Try to avoid the use of labels as gay identity/homosexual orientation. 

• Instead, name the experience (same-sex attraction). A person can describe what they feel/experience without labeling who they are as a person. Labeling oneself leads to a stronger sense of that particular identity —> reinforces taking on behaviors that reflect that identity. 

 Example: A girl who labels herself as a basketball player will most likely begin dressing like a basketball player and act/talk how a basketball player is expected to. As she continues to live a life that reflects this label, she becomes acclimated to the basketball culture. 

• A sexual identity is only one small facet that makes up who a person is. If we allow that part of our identity to become larger than it was intended to be, soon it will be the prime influence of the choices we make. 

• An identity that is focused on more than sexuality gives a person more options to choose what their thoughts, feelings, and actions are influenced by. Therefore, we want to help guide the child/youth to value their identity in Christ (who God says they are and who He created them to be) above all.

4. Invite God into the process. 

• When your child can be open with God regarding their same-sex attraction, they are in a place to receive His guidance on how to respond to their feelings. 

• Understand God’s intended purpose for creation and sexuality.

• God intended people to enjoy sexual intimacy for pleasure and procreation in a covenantal marriage between a man and woman. 

• God’s plan for sexual intimacy is the best. He created us, and He knows the best way for us to thrive in life.

• Continue to encourage your child to trust that God gives them His strength, empowerment, and self-control to live a sanctified life despite their same-sex attraction. They are not alone, as everyone has a temptation in their life where they need to lean on God. 

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 

• Remember that the same-sex attraction may not immediately “go away” or maybe it may never completely go away. Though at times it may be difficult, frustrating, discouraging, and painful, it is a process that takes time, and each day they are becoming closer to God and being transformed into who He intended them to be. It’s not about changing an orientation, it’s about loving God and becoming Christ-like. As we live a surrendered life to God, He is faithful to complete His work in us. 

5. Focus on the positive perspective. 

• Speak into your child’s life with the truths of who they are as a child of God.

• Love them beyond their sin, just as Jesus would. 

• Communicate that you need Jesus just as much as they do (their sin is not worse than yours or their siblings). 

• Be consistent regarding sexual sin with all of your children. 

• God loves us so much that He has entrusted us with the stewardship of our sexuality. 

• Our sexuality belongs to God and we are called to honor Him with our sexuality and our bodies.  

• God can use what we experience to glorify Him. He can bring beauty from ashes. 

• Your child’s experience may be used to help someone else in the future who is going through a similar experience. 

• God is walking through this process with them, and they are surrounded with people who love and support them. Model the culture of your home this way.

6. You cannot control your child’s choices, but you can control your response. 

• We have the choice of either being reactive or responsive. One is based on our fleshly emotions, and the other is responding based on how we hear God prompting us to respond. 

7. Pray the unseen until it is seen:  

• Contending for your child’s life through persistent prayer and declaring God’s promises over them is vital.  

• Focus on God’s promises, not the problem. The enemy wants to keep us focused on the problem to make it seem bigger than our God.  

• When we shift our focus on God’s promises and speak His truth into the situation, we become co-laborers with Christ to activate His power to reign in our lives and our child’s life and overcome issues with victory:  

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV 

This resource was created by our speakers, John Allison and Eddie Sariol who have powerful testimonies on redmeption from LGBTQ+ lifestyles. You can learn more about this topic and how to respond by taking our course, "Loving in Grace and Truth" for only $15.