When Pain Is Silenced: What Tamar Teaches Us

Aloha Friends,

Today’s email discusses S.A. Please read with care.

In our last email, we explored lament as a way of bringing pain into the presence of God. Tamar’s story in 2 Samuel 13 shows us both the power of expressing pain and the terrible consequences of leaving someone to carry it alone.

Tamar was the daughter of King David. After her half-brother Amnon deceived and sexually assaulted her, she did not pretend she was fine.

2 Samuel 13:19 (NIV): “Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the ornate robe she was wearing. She put her hands on her head and went away, weeping aloud as she went.”

Every action communicated what words could not fully express. She tore the robe that represented her identity as a daughter of the king. She covered herself with ashes, placed her hand on her head and wept aloud. Tamar gave visible expression to an invisible wound.

She lamented.

But instead of being surrounded by people who helped her heal, Tamar was told by her brother Absalom to be quiet. Her father became furious, but Scripture records no meaningful action to protect her or hold Amnon accountable (that is until Absalom rebelled and got revenge for his sister). The chapter tells us that Tamar lived in Absalom’s house as “a desolate woman.”

Her pain was real, but the people around her failed her - that won't be us.

Sadly, this still happens. A young person tries to reveal pain and is told, “Don’t talk about it,” “You misunderstood,” or “Think about what this could do to the family or church.” Sometimes adults rush toward forgiveness before providing safety, justice and space to grieve.

When pain has nowhere safe to go, numbing can begin to feel like survival. A young person may retreat into pornography, substances, sexual relationships, endless scrolling or emotional isolation because these behaviors offer temporary relief from memories and feelings that seem too painful to carry.

Today, we can become part of a different response.

If a young person tells us that someone has harmed them, some of the most healing first words may be:

“I believe you.”

“This was not your fault.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“I will help you become safe.”

We have some other helpful responses HERE.

Jesus announced that He came “to bind up the brokenhearted” (Isaiah 61:1). We participate in that healing when we listen, protect, seek proper help and remain present for the long journey that may follow.

Tamar teaches us that lament must be heard. Pain needs more than permission to speak; it needs a loving community willing to respond.

Did you know that Michele had a dream with Tamar that helped her press forward in the beginning stages of Explicit Movement? Watch her story HERE. You can also read that story and more by supporting us through the purchase of our digital BOOK that is sure to inspire you.

May our homes and churches become places where young people never have to choose between silence and survival.

May His Kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven.

With love,

Joshua and the Explicit Movement ʻOhana